new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
