Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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