it was like fucking gandolphs beard
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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