totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
We are all done wearing pants today
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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