I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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