youre lurking in front of me
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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