She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
