A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
