I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
