I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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