I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
