I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
