I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
