He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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