True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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