i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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