You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
