I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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