Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
