Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
