accomplished twins. life is a go
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
