i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
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