i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
