Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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