oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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