You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
