Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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