Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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