Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
