well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
