We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
don't judge my taste in strippers
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
