if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
