Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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