tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
