I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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