Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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