mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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