i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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