I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
