There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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