he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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