Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
