i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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