I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I need to align my fucking chakras
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
