If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
