Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
