I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
