i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
