Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
