i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
