Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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