I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
