You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
